


ur my space

by windyday



Category: SHINee
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:44:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7465656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windyday/pseuds/windyday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kibum felt kind of weird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ur my space

**Author's Note:**

> idk Why i was just like what if i wrote a fanfic in one sitting and posted it, having never finished or posted a fic before in my life. this is rlly far from what i wanted it to be

      It's not that Roo didn't like other dogs or even that she didn't get along with these two. She was in general, a very well behaved dog, but she was a lot like her owner and just preferred sleeping in her bed in the dark to playing with a couple of well dressed toy poodles. She was fitting in, though, because the poodles' “father” had dressed her up in her own Sunday's best, a little hoodie with bunny ears he bought as a gift for her. Despite Roo's preference for Not This, she did warm up to the visitors and ended up fighting over a particularly cute cake shaped toy of hers with Comme Des and Garcons. They were having enough fun for Papa Poodle to hiss at them to shut up for like, a second.

      Kibum had come over to Jonghyun's to watch a movie, a Hitchcock film about some subtextually gay murderers, and the two were having a good time in Jonghyun's dark room designed specifically for watching films and performance videos in bed. Kibum had never seen it and Jonghyun insisted they watch it together, that he would love it, and he wasn't wrong. Kibum was only mildly interested when he agreed to come over, it was late and he wasn't really in the movie mood. He was just missing his friend, but the movie turned out to be just up Kibum's alley. The fairly persistent squeaking and faint growling was more of a comfort than anything else, making them both feel above average levels of relaxed. It was pretty rare that they got to cultivate a feeling of home.

      The film finished and nobody bothered to turn the projector off and flip the lights on despite Jonghyun's weak command for Roo to do it. Without exchanging a single word, they contemplated getting food, discussing the movie, watching another one, maybe even if Kibum should go back home. As Kibum turned over to face Jonghyun and closed his eyes, letting the sleepy feeling seep into his body a little further than maybe he should, they both silently decided against all of those options, especially the latter. Kibum knew that when he brought his dogs with him, he wouldn't be going back home despite how much he pretended that wasn't the case, that none of this was intentional. After a moment more of contemplating, they did agree telepathically that maybe they were a bit hungrier than anything else.

      “I think mom and Sodam are asleep,” Jonghyun started, sitting up. “I'll see if I have any snacks in here.”

      “Don't lie, you know you do.”

      “I mean, I'll see if I didn't run out,” Kibum could hear his smirk as he started rustling around in his backpack somewhere around the room.

      “Now that sounds way more like it,” Kibum smiled to himself as he felt the dogs hop on the bed, feeling a lot like a parent chaperoning a kid's playdate. Soon, Jonghyun's presence followed and he nudged Kibum's shoulder.

      Kibum felt kind of weird. It's not like they never did this but recently they hung out a lot less than they used to, when they were teenagers. Sitting around in someone's bed at 1am in the dark was honestly a little more... intimate of an experience he let himself have outside of romantic relationships. He forced himself to forget that thought, to forget considering this intimate when he knew that doing the same thing with many other friends wouldn't make him feel awkward or scared or force down the thoughts he refused to have. He didn't want to think about anything involving... _that_ kind of intimacy or even the more difficult to deal with, the ever increasing and most dangerous, secretive feeling that he and Jonghyun were mean to have each other in their lives. So, he never once thought about any of that. Jonghyun offered to feed him a chip and Kibum accepted.

      They didn't really chat while eating their snacks, just played around with the dogs because at some point Comme Des was positive that Jonghyun had a chip reserved just for him. Kibum felt comfortable, slipping into the way he used to be when they were having late night snacks and sleepovers, like he always did. That kind of made it worse, all of the whatever it is that he was dealing with. Why he was dealing with it for the first time in probably a year, he had no idea. Sometimes over the years he had these not-thoughts and they never bloomed into any words or feelings, Kibum made sure of that, and he made them disappear. He absolutely did, no one could say otherwise, they just did not exist. They existed so little that they never actually almost happened in the first place.

      Jonghyun took the empty wrappers and balled them up, tossing them somewhere nearby the wastebasket, probably.

      The worst part, the absolute, one hundred percent worst part, the thing that made Kibum keep having to ignore potential thoughts so fiercely that they were ripped to shreds, was he was sure Jonghyun had thoughts. Kibum was convinced that Jonghyun had fully formed thoughts that he let turn into words and all kinds of feelings. Probably too many words, knowing him. Some probably overwhelming, wonderful, sickening words, because he was like that. He was some kind of poet writer bullshit. Kibum continued pretending to curse his friend, bandmate, hyung, family member, what the fuck ever, and Jonghyun shooed him off the bed so he could pull down the covers. Kibum complied, kicking off his socks and wiggling out of his jeans and getting into the bed just as Jonghyun was doing.

      Why was it so bad tonight? He hadn't felt it this bad since he was maybe 21. He was lonely, he missed living with the members, the romance of the gay murderers failing to justify their actions with their childish intellectual speeches and getting caught got to him. He was single.

      But wasn't he always single? His relationships never lasted and he never really felt. There. He thought kind of like they all just existed on a separate plane. That the five of them were among regular earthlings and even people with their own personal universes, but they couldn't really get outside of each other. That even though they tried they could never really switch dimensions. Only they knew each other and themselves the way they did, more than their families and friends and significant others. Whenever Kibum thought about this kind of thing he felt extremely stupid because there was no way the other members felt anything like this.

      They were probably all looking forward to their lives after the group, at least on some level. It's not like he wasn't either but he couldn't really see it despite how much he loved the idea of a family and a grown-up life. In bed, recognizing Roo at his feet because she was heavier than his own kids, feeling steadily sleepier and more peaceful, Jonghyun full on staring at him, he couldn't see anything other than this. The person that probably knew him the best, held most of his secrets, his thoughts, since they were practically children, out of his world? Onto his own with the occasional visit and call from Kibum? It seemed fully impossible. Jonghyun took Kibum's hand under the covers.

      “Jjong, you're all sweaty, it's too hot to hold hands.”

       “Hmm, too bad,” Jonghyun was using his cutesy voice and Kibum made sure to let out his best sigh in case Jonghyun couldn't see him roll his eyes. “Kibum, are you okay staying here? I should've asked.”

       Kibum's hyper awareness increased tenfold. That is absolutely _not_ what Jonghyun was thinking about but Kibum couldn't figure out what it was exactly. He nodded and weakly tried to pull his hand free.

       “Kibomi.”

       “Jjong.”

       Kibum felt the skin on his back get hot and prickly. He kind of wanted to cry. Jonghyun moved his hand to thread their fingers together and smiled reassuringly. Why did they have to know each other so well?

       “I don't know, I just feel like something's up with you. Maybe I'm projecting. If it is you, you can definitely talk about anything,” he paused and Kibum couldn't tell if he was waiting for him to speak or try to find more words. Kibum kept his mouth shut and decided for him. “You know, I just wanted... It's all gonna be okay. Don't worry so much, or maybe, I won't worry so much. I don't know what I mean, it's late, I'm rambling.”

       He was backtracking, apologizing, not really saying anything at all. Kibum was glad for it, thankful for the easy out. And then,

       “I think I just miss you. You're really important to me, you know,” Jonghyun ducked his head and pulled Kibum closer and Kibum kind of thought he was asking for a hug. So, not giving himself a moment to deny his friend comfort just because of his own hangups, he gave it to him.

        Kibum pulled Jonghyun close, his head resting against his chest, their fingers still laced and tucked between them. He tried so hard, he spent so much time fighting everything, and here Jonghyun had to come and be the friend he always was. Always giving and taking support in such a healthy and admirable way. He was too good, too mature, it made Kibum want to feel inferior when he just felt inspired. God. But he was happy to have the weirdness disappear for real and to just be having a really comforting moment. He really did need the reassurance himself too, and then, again,

      Jonghyun slowly pulled their hands apart and wrapped his now free arm around Kibum's waist, never looking up from his place against his chest. Kibum could feel Jonghyun's entirely tangible, not repressed thoughts bleeding through his skin and fueling his embarrassingly loud heartbeat. He wanted to hate it, he wanted to keep his own thoughts as far away from being born as possible but he didn't even try. He let Jonghyun pull him even closer, let him tangle their legs together. Kibum was still so thankful that he could sort this into the category of platonic behavior but he knew that's not what it was. He was even more thankful that they stayed just like that, their steady breathing lulling each other to sleep, and that he dreamed of the slight feeling of Jonghyun placing a small kiss to his chest.

 

      They woke up separated, except for one of Jonghyun's legs in between Kibum's, to Comme Des and Garcons whining to be let outside. Kibum felt so relaxed and perfect that he didn't even bother trying to convince himself to feel something else. They took their dogs out to pee in yesterday's clothes and unwashed faces while Jonghyun's mother excitedly prepared breakfast. She rarely got to visit with Kim Key, the sweet, bright, charming young fellow that he was. Kibum really felt at home. It wasn't even that the line he and Jonghyun had between them had changed, the line that they always worked hard to keep in place, because even if Jonghyun had thoughts, he knew that's all they would be. Kibum was just happy to feel the way he used to, fully comfortable and safe. He couldn't really pinpoint it but something had changed.

      Sodam came downstairs in response to their mother's not-quite-yelling for her to wake up already, they had company, and Jonghyun gently pressed his knee against Kibum's under the table in a syncopated rhythm.

       “Kibomi, wanna stay a bit and watch another movie? Have you seen _Suspiria_?”

       Kibum realized what changed, what he had learned. 

      “Haven't seen it and I'm all free today.”

       Jonghyun knew they had their own universe too, and he was happy with it. They were both happy. 

 

 

 


End file.
